All We Have is Waiting
by TheLuna
Summary: Sirius proposes. Remus accepts on the condition that they wait until after war. Angst angst and more angst. Remus/Sirius Slash. Oneshot.


It had come as a bit of a surprise to Remus, but it shouldn't have. It was almost like Sirius had been planning this all along, as if the moment they had met on the Hogwarts Express, it had been determined. But it still surprised him.

The night Harry was born, all of the Potters' close friends had been overjoyed and had celebrated with a lot of firewhiskey. It was a happy occasion, and these days, those were rare. Congratulations were given to the ecstatic couple, everyone cooed over the little child with tufts of dark hair, words like 'he looks so much like James' and 'he'll be great with the ladies' were repeated, and it was late by the time Lily decided she was exhausted and needed some rest.

Remus and Sirius stayed up after arriving at their little apartment, sitting at the kitchen table and indulging in more firewhiskey. They laughed, kissed a little drunkenly, and talked merrily about nothing of importance. They hadn't had much joy in months, and were desperate to make this last as long as they could. Eventually, their kissing got more sloppy and heated, and they pulled each other towards the bedroom, fumbling with each other's clothes and grasping at each other's bodies.

As they lay close to each other, warm and sated, Remus felt he could not get any happier than this. It didn't matter that they were in a war, that the future seemed bleak and uncertain. He was with Sirius, he was loved, his friends were happy, there was a new child in the world and nothing else seemed to matter.

Then, out of nowhere, Sirius mumbled softly, 'Marry me', and everything changed.

Remus sat up, pulling away from Sirius' arms and staring at him like he'd gone mad. In the dim light, he could see his lover did not look surprised by his reaction.

'What?' He hissed, the only word that he could come up with.

Sirius sat up too, and first turned toward the dresser beside his bed. Remus watched nervously as he retrieved something from inside the drawer, then faced him.

'Marry me.' He repeated again, like Remus just hadn't heard, like it was simply a matter of saying those two words again and everything would be perfectly obvious.

But Remus could only stare blankly.

Sirius opened his palm to reveal a plain gold ring, and he grinned, looking more charming than he ever had. 'C'mon, Moony, why not?'

Remus spluttered, 'I- you just, you can't just ask me that Sirius. You can't just...' he trailed off, not knowing what else to say.

But Sirius was confident, 'So is that a yes?' he teased.

'No,' he answered before thinking, and Sirius' smile vanished.

'You don't want to marry me?' he asked in a blank voice, lowering the palm which held the ring and closing his hand.

'No, I mean, yes- I, I don't know what I mean,' Remus shut his eyes tight and bowed his head. The silence in the air was thick and suffocating, but he didn't know what to say. He could feel Sirius' eyes on him, could sense pain coming from the man. He couldn't agree to this, but he didn't know why. He imagined marrying Sirius, having him forever and ever, and it seemed too good to be true. Maybe that was it, maybe it was because it wouldn't last. It couldn't.

'I love you,' he said at last, as if that would make anything better.

'But you don't want to marry me,' the voice sounded pained, and it wasn't a question.

'I don't know! I don't know what I want, I.. don't think I'm ready,' he said, looking up and making out Sirius' face in the dark.

'Do you think you'll ever be ready?' his boyfriend asked, his voice sounding slightly hopeful.

Remus only paused for a few seconds, 'yes.'

Sirius' smile looked a little forced, but Remus put his hand on his shoulder, and said, 'I'm scared, padfoot. We're in the middle of a war.'

'But that's exactly it!' Sirius argued.

'That's the reason, isn't it?' Remus smiled sadly, 'you're rushing this because of the war. You can't do that, we can't just get married because we're scared.'

'Why not?' Sirius questioned, 'why can't we? Fear isn't the reason. I do want to marry you, I really do.'

'Sirius...' Remus sighed exasperatedly, his hand falling from his shoulder, 'we can't. I would marry you too, but I'd rather wait until this is all over. I don't want to do this because we have to, I want to do it honestly. And... it seems like tempting fate.'

Sirius frowned, 'what if... what if we don't get to do it when this is all over? What if one of us doesn't...?' he left the 'make it' hanging.

Remus looked upon his lover's face and felt a great sadness come over him, but he took a deep breath and said, 'when this is over, not if- when- I'll marry you, Sirius Orion Black. And I'll do it happily, not out of fear or because I have to or anything else- I'll do it because I want to, and I love you, and nothing would make me happier than being your husband.'

Sirius was suddenly beaming at full force, and he threw his arms around his boyfriend and held him for a long time. Remus hugged back happily, although he couldn't shake an odd sense of dread.

After the long embrace, Sirius looked down at his palm with the ring, and handed it to Remus.

'Don't put it on, if you don't want to. Not yet. But... keep it, and when this is all over, you can wear it.'

Remus closed his hand around the small golden object and Sirius put his own hands around Remus'.

The sense of dread was pushed to the back of Remus' mind by the joy and hope he felt at that moment, and the lovers shared a sweet kiss that seemed to bond them together even tighter.

The next day, they did not speak of it at all, and after that it was like it had never happened. The only proof that it had not been a dream was the ring Remus had hidden away safely, and the small feeling of hope that it seemed to represent.

A few months passed, and it was obvious someone was betraying the order. Sirius and Remus did not share a bed anymore, and Remus had found a new apartment. Remus took to carrying his ring in his pocket, to try to ease his overwhelming fear, to give him some hope. But it only felt like it was weighing him down, and his fear grew day by day. He knew Sirius didn't trust him anymore, and he wasn't sure about James, Lily or Peter, but everyone was too tense and it would not bode well.

Then came that tragic night, about a year after Sirius had given him the ring. His first instinct was to deny it had been Sirius, he'd held the golden band in his hand so tightly it had hurt, but it quickly became clear he had been the cause of James and Lily's death, that he had murdered Peter.

That night he apparated to a the middle of a field - a field where he and Sirius had made out when they were younger and childish and foolish and thought everything would turn out fine in life. He took that bloody, stupid ring in his hand and flung it as far as he could away from him. That night, he crumpled to the ground and sobbed until his lungs were sore and he could hardly breath. That night, he cursed Sirius and even though it was not a full moon, could almost feel himself turning.

The amount of hatred and fury he felt could not be contained, and when he apparated back to the apartment he and Sirius had shared what felt like a lifetime ago, he went to the bed they had slept in, the bed Sirius had proposed in, and hugged himself into a tiny little ball, crying for everything he had lost.

His last thought before succumbing to sleep was that the war was over, and they had most definitely not made it.

Both he and Sirius had broken their promises.

* * *

**AN: please don't kill me? :) I just realised how much I hate writing angst lol**


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